As I said in my guest article last month which resulted in a rant about FIFA, I originally planned to do a Cult Heroes article. Now, as FIFA is all nice and lovely, with all corruption a thing of the past and the fascist dictatorship of Sepp Blatter consigned to history*, here it is!

Everyone has their favourite footballer, with Lionel Messi being a particularly popular and therefore unoriginal choice at the moment. The main problem with Messi is that he’s actually quite good, and liking a player because they’re good is just plain boring. The best choices are the ones with a bit of flair, a bit of charisma! (Who aren’t Cristiano Ronaldo)

Here is are my  XI players that form a team which are world class when it comes to womanising, fishing with serial killers, mental hair and just pure comedy.  Or, as they shall forever be remembered, legends.

Some of them are quite good, some not so, but any one of them would make a far better pundit for Sky than Gary ‘My dad’s more of a legend than me because I’ve got a pathetic attempt at a moustache, even at the age of 36, whereas he’s got the gangsta name of Neville Neville’ Neville.

*As much as we would like it to be, his may not be true.

In a kind of bodged together 4-4-2 formation to make them all fit in:

Goalkeeper

Rene Higuita

People talk about Gordon Banks’ save from Pele as the greatest ever, but those people are just wrong. How anyone can look past Rene Higuita’s scorpion kick against England at Wembley is beyond me. Yes, ok it was only a friendly, and from a Jamie Redknapp shot, but other than that it’s just perfect in every way. Another fun Higuita fact, he has scored more international goals than Emile Heskey, who doesn’t make this  team, but may have a stint in the ‘Donkey XI’ if I ever get round to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCxe4r6SjH0

Defence

Stuart Pearce

The Psycho himself. A Nottingham Forest and England legend, and captain for both, that earned his nickname for his unforgiving style of play, and going a bit mental on the pitch. There needs to be more footballers like him! As a player of course, as managing is proving a slightly more challenging. And no, don’t blame Jack and Andy for the under 21’s!

Terry Butcher

He’s the man we want all our footballers to be like ain’t he? Not these poncey foreigners that don’t like it up ‘em, dive like a Daley and hate nothing more than a cold, rainy away fixture in Stoke. Nah, we want them to get there head smashed in, put on a bandage and play on in their blood soaked shirt! There’s a bit o’ old English grit and passion I tell ya! Forever a hero.

Tony Adams

Mr Arsenal, the player who defined a club. That was back when they actually used to win stuff of course. But the crowning moment has to be his goal against Everton in the game that won the league title in 1998.

“Adams put through by Bould, would you believe it!”

Sends shudders down my spine. Anyway enough of that, he was a raging alcoholic that once shat himself in a bar. That’s why he makes this list.

David Luiz

Is he a footballer? Well yeah, and he’s quite good at it I guess, but really? Are you sure he’s not Sideshow Bob? Not even in the lookalike contest at Butlins? Rumour has it he spends his weekends dressed as said Simpsons character and works as a male stripper at clown themed Hen-do’s. Tis true I tell you.*

*Again, may not be true.

Midfield

George Best

The original, and always the best, playboy footballer. And also the provider of one of my favourite ever quotes:

“I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted”

Bravo to you sir.

Certainly one of the greatest players to every grace the game, but it’s the off the pitch antics which really give him that cult status. He just seemed to do everything in a far classier way than modern day footballers do now. Messrs Terry and Cole I’m looking at you here.

Paul Gascoigne

Again, one of the most gifted players of his generation. However, also an absolute lunatic. Yes he beat his wife and that was quite bad, but we can look past that can’t we? I mean any man that goes up to a police stand-off with a serial killer, absolutely off his face, armed with beer, chicken and a fishing rod deserves our respect right? And he did release a single, ‘Fog on the Tyne’? And he scored that goal against Scotland at Wembley? Yeah we can forgive him a bit of domestic violence. He also cried once, putting him in that ‘shows a bit of English passion’ bracket with Mr Terence Butcher up there. We do love passion don’t we?

Jimmy Bullard

He’s one of the ‘He ain’t that good, but he’s funny, so we like him’ footballers. Always a down to Earth lad, his commercial for ‘Wash & Go’ has to go down as one of the greatest adverts (and worst) ever. Also the goal celebration parodying Phil Brown’s half time rant on the pitch has to go down as one of the greatest celebrations. Thank you for bringing a bit of humour and personality to modern day footballers. Note to RioFerdy5 here, I don’t consider #stayonyourfeet humour. #oooff  #justsayin. Twitterers will understand.

Vinnie Jones

Here we have a man, part of Wimbledon’s famed ‘Crazy Gang’, that’s capitalised on his hard man image by moving into Hollywood, and snapping up every role that requires an ‘ard English gangster that doesn’t talk much. (I know he played for Wales, but let’s be honest, he’s English. He was born in Watford, to English parents.) He also once managed to get himself booked inside 5 seconds, very impressive if I may say so myself.

Thank you Vinnie, It’s been emotional.

Attack

Eric Cantona

I put him in this team for one reason, and one reason alone. THAT Kung-Fu kick against that Crystal Palace fan. I could honestly watch that all day long, as well as this man here of course. A kung-fu kick so glorious, it was well worth the 8 month suspension and £30,000 fine. He followed this up in a press conference by using the slightly bizarre expression:

“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much.”

I don’t know what that means Eric, but I completely agree.

Roger Milla

Roger Milla found fame at the ripe old age of 38 with his showing for Cameroon at the 1990 World Cup in Italy.  Here he became known not only for his four goals, including one gifted to him by his very own cult hero team mate, Rene Higuita (Got a good team-spirit going on here), but also for his elaborate celebrations. He became known for his trademark dance when he scored a goal, and from there on in set the blueprint for the celebration of every goal scored by an African ever since. He was also named by Pele himself as one of the 125 greatest footballers of all time, which is nice.

Higuita

Luiz Butcher Adams Pearce

Best Gascoigne Bullard Jones

Cantona Milla

Okay, so quite a controversial topic today and I was in two minds as to whether right it or not – a predicament which leads me right into the subject.

Why should this subject be so ‘taboo’? Well, the basis of this story came about after I read a blog on the BBC on Anton Hysen – a 20 year old left-sided midfield player, playing for Utsiktens BK who ply their trade in the fourth tier of Swedish football. On his coming out as openly homosexual, Hysen has been ‘rewarded’ for being open about who he is and has been invited to a host of parties, guest TV appearances, he receives gifts from fans and has been invited to the Eurovision song contest, which he claims to hate. Now, he’s not the only one bemused by being ‘awarded’ for his sexuality, as I too am thoroughly confused by it. Read more