Fulham Sign Amorebieta / Pellegrini To Manchester City

Good morning. It is quite staggering just how much change has happened in the Premier League over the past few days. Tony Pulis has "mutually" walked away from Stoke City, which actually means he was sacked without ceremony by Peter Coates. Arsenal have been linked with any striker that has a Read more

Jovetic To Arsenal / Kolo Toure To Liverpool / Tony Pulis Leaves Stoke

GOOD MORNING! Do you wanna know why I typed that in caps lock? Because Tony Pulis has "mutually walked away from Stoke City after chairman Peter Coates sacked him for a sh*t run of results." There's nothing "mutual" about Pulis' departure, he's been sacked. Why? Because Stoke City have stagnated Read more

Mourinho Leaves Real Madrid / Is He So Special?

Good morning. Real Madrid have officially announced what we've all been expecting since about November: Jose Mourinho is leaving Real Madrid after three years in charge, in which time he won the league and Copa Del Rey. Mourinho will take charge for the final time against Osasuna on June 1st, Read more

Arsenal's Platform To Build On / Tottenham Worries

The contrasting situations between Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur at the end of 90 minutes on Sunday, spoke volumes for the importance of Champions League football. On the one hand, Arsenal celebrated as if they had lifted a trophy, for which they have been criticised for. "Fourth is not a trophy, this just Read more

David Beckham Retires

saGood morning. Well, what a week we've had. Sir Alex Ferguson managed his final game at Old Trafford last Sunday, Paul Scholes played for one last time before retirement and now, despite declaring he might stay with Paris Saint-Germain for another year, David Beckham has announced his retirement. My formative football years Read more

England

Everybody Loves The Europa League / But It’s Still Not Cool

Hi, my name is Suso. You may remember me from such competitions as the, "Europa League."

Hi, my name is Suso. You may remember me from such competitions as the, “Europa League.”

Things I’ve learned this week: I can’t cook cheese sauces without it burning the pan, Jamie Redknapp is a bit of a numpty and that, above everything, that the Europa League is secretly loved by all teams who participate in it. But they will never admit it.

There aren’t as many taboo subject as there used to be. Anal sex is discussed freely, sex in general is the most common topic of conversation, wages are openly discussed and everything is pretty much subject to debate in the modern world. We’re free to discuss what we like and there are many various opinions on every subject, which is great. Apart from one subject that is: The Europa League.

Read more

Posted on by Craig in England, Europe, Russia 1 Comment

Pardew Fined / Hulk To Zenit / New England Kit Supplier

Morning.

There’s nothing that kills a mood more than the words, ‘international break’ For two weeks now, we have to sit through some pretty abject World Cup 2012 qualifying matches against the stellar opposition of Moldova and Ukraine. I hate international fixtures being played so early in the domestic season, we all do.

In the intervening time, we’ll make do with what we have in the news, and first on my agenda is Alan Pardew’s punishment for a shove on assistant referee, Alan Kirkup in Newcastle 2-1 win over Tottenham Hotspur at St James’ Park on the opening day of the season. For whatever reason, Pardew pushed Kirkup in the back as he was entering a frenzy over an incident on the pitch and out of either frustration or because he wanted a better view, the Newcastle manager pushed Kirkup, consequently leading to the dismissal of Pardew to the stands by referee, Martin Atkinson. Read more

Posted on by Craig in England, Europe, Premiership, Russia, Russian Football Championship Leave a comment

Russia Knocked Out / Bring Back Goal Difference / Rooney Is Back

Greece. Better than Russia? Give me a moment to laugh…

Good morning!

I trust the weekend was good for you? First of all, a massive congratulations to the sister of a reader of this blog, who entered wedlock on Saturday. I went to their wedding reception and it was a very nice evening, but in the name of football, do you want to know what I spent twenty minutes doing? I was watching Russia v Greece on my iPhone! I am that dedicated to football, I know no social boundaries when football comes into the equation. I would have watched more, but the damn wi-fi disappeared after a bit. I have a feeling the hotel were on to me…

… B*stards. Read more

Posted on by Craig in England, Euro 2012, Europe, Russia, South America, World Leave a comment

Redknapp Quits Spurs? / Poland 1-1 Russia

I hate printers.

Good morning!

I’d like to meet the person who has sailed through life without encountering any problems with a printer. The sheer quantity of printers I’ve worked my way through in my life time is unreal, and the majority of those printers have broken down, it’s nothing to do with me buying a new one every so often.

If an Epson representative is reading this, do note that as of seven o’clock this evening, I fully intend on smashing the stupid contraption to bits with a very large, heavy hammer, and by God will I love every second. I digress, we really must move on to some news of a football related nature, rather than anything to do with computer accessories. Read more

Posted on by Craig in England, Euro 2012, Premiership, Russia Leave a comment

Dutch Racially Abused / Poland v Greece / Russia v Czech Republic

Obligatory funny face from Andrey Arshavin

Good morning!

There’s plenty to sweep through this morning, so we’ll get started straight away!

Today is the opening day of Euro 2012, where we’ll see hosts Poland play Greece in the opening match at the National Stadium in Warsaw. Just after that match has finished, Russia will kick off their campaign against Czech Republic, 343 km away at the Municipal Stadium in Wroclaw.

So imagine then, the absolute dismay we’re all waking up to as we learn that the Dutch were racially abused at an open training session in Krakow, Poland. Netherlands captain, Mark Van Bommel, described the alleged abuse as a, ‘real disgrace’. In response to UEFA stating an incident had occured, but reasoning the chants as protests about the city not being given any Euro 2012 matches, Van Bommel has said, ‘Open your ears. If you did hear it, and don’t want to hear it, then that is even worse’.

In light of Michel Platini’s comments on players being booked for being offended to racism on the field of play, it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest that UEFA are moving to cover up the incident, rather than slam it and look to punish the perpetrators of said racial abuse towards the Oranje’s black players. Read more

Posted on by Craig in Euro 2012, Europe, Russia 4 Comments

Arshavin Stands On Bystrov / Arteta Injury Blow

Oh Andrey.

Good morning all!

I’ve never dealt with news very well on a Friday, it’s all so slow and to do with previews and predictions. I don’t like predicting football, I never do accumulators anymore as it’s nearly impossible.

As such, we don’t do predictions on here (anymore) so I’ve trawled the BBC News Sports section online, typed in Andrey Arshavin’s name and I find a great little story from the ‘Metro’ newspaper.

In the process of scoring the goal to put Zenit St Petersburg 1-0 ahead, Vladimir Bystrov pulled a muscle in his stomach. Bystrov fell to the ground after some gesticulating and for whatever reason, everybodys favourite Meerkat impressionist decided to stand on Bystrov’s chest as if he’d hunted him down and was claiming his prey, or as if he’d scaled a very large mountain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CR7BAfhgnsU

Asked why Arshavin had decided to indulge in a bit of stamping on his team mates, Arshavin replied with: ‘Well he was writhing and I wanted him to stop’.

Any paramedics reading this, don’t hesitate to stand on your patients if you’re sick to the back teeth of them complaining, just do an Arshavin. This isn’t the only strange occurence involving Andrey Arshavin in recent weeks. Only recently was Arshavi involved in a minor car crash and when waiting for help, a passer-by offered Arshavin a grapefruit. Of all the people in the world, only Arshavin could be offered a grapefruit in a car crash.

What a bloke.

In more serious news, Arsenal’s Mikel Arteta picked up a badly sprained ankle in Arsenal’s 2-1 defeat by Wigan Athletic on Monday. Fortunately, Arteta hasn’t broken his ankle, nor does he need surgery, which is what Arsene Wenger claims the real fear was.

As Arsenal prepare for the final four games of their season, it is a monumental loss as the Gunners look to maintain their five-point gap over Tottenham Hotspur and finish third in the table so as to achieve automatic qualification for the Champions League. Mikel Arteta has been pivotal for Arsenal in midfield this season, sacrificing some of his natural attacking ability to offer more stability in Arsenal’s play and despite conceding 43 goals, Arsenal’s new-look side has suffered horrific injury losses at full-back and had to endure a transition period as the new players settled in. Don’t forget Arsenal conceded eight at Old Trafford which doesn’t reflect truly on their overall season.

Arsenal, for all of that, have looked more solid this season and that is thanks in no small part to Mikel Arteta who has proved to be an immense signing. Many thought he had seen his better years at Everton but the Spaniard has shown that class is permanent and if it weren’t for a certain Robin Van Persie, he’d pick up Arsenal’s ‘Player of the Year’ award for certain.

The dilemma now is who can replace Arteta as Arsenal enter the final few matches. Aaron Ramsey has looked a broken player this season, he’s played far too many matches and again, that’s down to long-term injuries attributed to both Abou Diaby and Jack Wilshere. If those two had been fit, Ramsey wouldn’t have played as much as he has. Ramsey’s very tired, lost his confidence as a result of that and sadly, Arsenal fans aren’t helping him in regards to boosting his confidence. I don’t indulge in the venomous underbelly of Twitter’s moronic members, but those wishing him another serious injury really are the World’s lowest people. Ramsey will be a fantastic player. Fabregas had similar stats to Ramsey in his first proper season, so there isn’t any rush to fast-track Ramsey to greatness, just let him bloom!

Right, that’s yer lot for today. I’ll see you on Sunday, as I can’t really not write anything about El Classico, can I?!

P.S. Can you remember us covering the ‘Great Football Experiment’ by Nivea For Men? You can? Brilliant!

Well, having played a team of England Legends including the likes of Ray Parlour, Ian Walker and Clive Allen, winning 2-1 in the process, Ivory FC have since teamed up with Andrew Henderson, the ‘World Freestyle Football Champion’ to show and teach the lads at Ivory some new tricks. Rather than teach them new tricks, Andrew Henderson teaches a masterclass in how to play keepy-ups with a grapefruit, lemon and a toilet roll. It’s mesmeric stuff!


Posted on by Craig in England, Europe, Premiership, Russia, Russian Football Championship Leave a comment

Bryan Robson Suffers Selective Memory / Anzhi Angered In Samba Race Row

Morning all!

Today is Friday, the end of our working week and another step closer to this blog getting a fancy face-lift. Whilst there is a part of me that sort of likes this weird, thrown-together layout, I have to be realistic and say it looks incredibly poor compared to other blogs. I feel that sometimes, the quality of the site undermines what we write and soon enough, that will all change. We’ll look fancy and there’s going to be buttons here, there and everywhere. I can’t put a date on it just yet, but it will be very, very soon.

Anyway, in this morning’s news, Sam Sheringham of the BBC, reports that Bryan Robson believes that Sir Alex Ferguson’s zero-tolerance approach to unruly players will give his club the edge over Manchester City in the title race.

According to Robson, Manchester City players Carlos Tevez and Mario Balotelli have been allowed to disrupt their team’s title challenge in a way that Ferguson would have never allowed, stating, ‘the Tevez saga, stories of Balotelli’s nights out, Ferguson doesn’t allow it to happen in his club. He does man-management really well, that could be the biggest difference’.

It would seem that Robson has made a very large oversight here, completely forgetting the Wayne Rooney saga which enveloped Manchester United last season. Rooney claimed he was not going to re-sign his contract with Manchester United, stating that United ‘lacked ambition’ and wanted out. It was no hoax either, as a tearful Sir Alex Ferguson revealed all during a press conference before a Champions League match against Bursaspor.

If Rooney was not to sign a new deal with Manchester United, then it would have meant Rooney going on the cheap in January, and even cheaper that summer if he were to stay, with Rooney being a free agent at the end of the current season. (2011/2012) Rooney’s public tantrum saw him offered a huge contract, above any other United player. Rooney knew he held all the cards. In Rooney’s position as star player and a lucrative figure for Manchester United to use on tours of Asia and America etc, it would have been a disaster to let him go and just as expensive to replace him. Rooney knew that and forced Sir Alex Ferguson and the Manchester United board into giving him a massive contract.

So I ask you, Mr Robson, how tolerant was SAF on Rooney during that whole saga, or how tolerant was SAF when Rooney was revealed to have had a threesome with two prostitutes? Since Rooney’s contract saga, he’s been involved with prostitutes and just a few months ago, was dropped from the United squad for a few matches, having been caught out at a restaurant with his wife, Coleen, the night before a match.

I’d say that Rooney is skipping about, doing as he pleases under Sir Alex Ferguson’s watch, wouldn’t you? There are instances where Sir Alex Ferguson had been unable to tame a player and it would seem that Mario Balotelli is another player who can’t be tamed into being a fluffy, household pet.

As for the Carlos Tevez saga which Robson refers to, well I believe Roberto Mancini handled that episode expertly. Having refused to play for Manchester City against Bayern Munich in the Allianz Arena, in the Champions League, you know, the biggest club competition in world football, Tevez was immediately dropped and sent away. Mancini vowed Tevez would never play again for Manchester City.

When the dust had settled and Mancini had indeed calmed down, he stated that Tevez would be allowed a way back into Manchester City’s team, but only when he’d apologised, which was a very fair thing to say. That was Mancini simply being the bigger man and offering Tevez an olive branch, on the condition that Tevez grovelled to grab a hold of that branch.

Since then, Carlos Tevez has publicly apologised, though it did take much pouting to get him there, and Roberto Mancini has re-introduced him into the fold, keeping his promise. Tevez lost £10 million in wages, sponsorship etc, so he got a severe punishment financially.

For Robson to suggest that Mancini has no control over his players is ridiculous, they clearly all play for him, or they would have never managed that tactical masterclass over Manchester United at Old Trafford, winning 6-1. It wasn’t just a few individuals who won the match for Manchester City that day, but a collective team effort, all drilled to Mancini’s wishes.

Finally, we’ll end today’s news in Russia, or Dagestan, where Chris Samba was racially abused whilst playing an away match for Anzhi Makhachkala against Lokomotiv Moscow. At the end of the match, which Lokomotiv won 1-0, Samba had a banana thrown in his direction from a member of the home support.

Lokomotiv however, dispute claims that their fans threw the banana and are laying the blame on Anzhi’s travelling support. Lokomotiv spokesman, Denis Novoselov told the Daily Mail that: ‘We studied all the video from surveillance cameras, carefully reviewed the testimony of witnesses , and the results of this investigation found that the banana was thrown by a fan of the Dagestani team. Anzhi vice-president, German Chistyakov then responded through the media: ‘We’ll wait for the results of the official investigation by RFPL (Russian Premier League). In the current situation we demand Lokomotiv provide us with the conclusive evidence, or immediate and official refutation with an apology to our fans and the club. Otherwise the case will be brought before the court and the law-enforcement bodies, not the ethics committee’.

Photo courtesy of Sovsport.ru

It really concerns me that these statements were flaunted before an investigation by the RFPL proved conclusive either way. It shows a lack of organisation, practice, professionalism and an awfully childish approach to a thing as serious as a race-row. All of this as Russia prepares itself to host a World Cup? It’s ludicrous to think that the world’s different ethnicities are bound to descend on a country so hostile in its treatment of other cultures.

There has even been an excuse made for the throwing of said banana, as in Russian culture, ‘to get a banana’, means, ‘to fail a test somewhere’. Lokomotiv has been linked with bananas before, having made a banner following ex-striker Peter Odemwingie’s transfer to Premiership side, West Brom. Lokomotiv’s banner read, ‘thank you West Brom’, with the words surrounded by bananas and showed one big banana.

Again, it worries me that such an attitude is displayed in Russia’a capital city towards black players and that Lokomotiv actually permitted their fans to display this banner. The banners you see at Arsenal are all permitted by the club and are only allowed up once they have been reviewed by Arsenal. Is there such organisation within Russia? I don’t believe that Lokomotiv Moscow ordered the banner removed immediately, either.

So here’s my final question. Having failed to captain Russia to World Cup 2010 and (though I hate to say it as I love the player) following a failed move to Arsenal, just how many baskets of bananas does Andrey Arshavin receive per week? If anybody can give me an account of lumps of bananas turning up at the doors of Roman Pavlyuchenko, Diniyar Bilyaletdinov and Andrey Arshavin, then I’ll shave my hair off, and even put the footage on YouTube to prove it.

That’s all from me today, I’ll see you back here on Monday. Till then.


Posted on by Craig in England, Europe, Premiership, Russia, Russian Football Championship Leave a comment

Liverpool Sign Downing / New Tevez Offer / Blackburn In For Honda

Boom! I feel like a Wizard today, thanks to watching Harry Potter at the cinema last night, it’s pretty incredible and not that I’m signed to advertise for J.K. Rowling and her crew, but do go see the film, even if you don’t like the whole thing, it’s a magical piece of British film history.

Now on a football related note; on the way to the cinema last night, we passed Field Mill, home to Mansfield Town who were playing rivals, Notts County. While parked at the traffic lights a few hundred yards from the stadium, a big roar sounded throughout Mansfield, followed by chants of, ‘who are ya?!’ It was pretty motivating to hear those particular noises and I for one, am pumped for the new season, especially after having seen the Sky Sports HD ad in the cinemas for the new football season.

One team going into next season with fresher faces than the Harry Potter cast, is Liverpool who have now signed Stewart Downing in a complete overhaul of their squad, making him the fourth summer signing at Anfield, joining Charlie Adam, Alexander Doni and Jordan Henderson.

Now it’s rather obvious to me, my Dog and my Porridge what Adam, Henderson and Downing all have in common, and that is the ability to wip in a cross from a set piece position, while Downing can hit them on the run from the left-wing, a blatant ploy to give Andy Carroll all the service he can claim next season.

If I were to be a Liverpool fan, I’d be feeling pretty under-awed at the signing of Downing who to be fair, has been Mr Average most of his career, so the reported £20 million spent on him must feel ridiculously extortionate for a player on one season of good form. Still, I guess Carroll needs his service and what with the quota rule for English players in a squad, then players like Downing are going to be in massive demand as clubs look to take advantage over the homegrown rule by stockpiling as many English players as possible for squad depth. With Maxi Rodriguez set to leave Liverpool I can’t see Downing being threatened by anyone, unlike Aston Villa where he was threatened by both Albrighton and Young, both superior players. Are you a Liverpool fan? Upset you’ve signed Mr Average? See me in the comments!

Not done yet though, not by a long shot! Corinthians have now tabled a £40 million offer for want-away striker, Carlos Tevez, a deal surely likely to drain Corinthians of all their financial resources for the time being. If I were Manchester City, I’d let him go, Tevez has made a mockery of the club in the way he’s handled his transfer and City deserve better than that. No player is bigger than the club, though Tevez seems to think he’s bigger than all he’s played for.

Let Tevez go and City will go further, that I have no doubts about; players like Dzeko would be able to play without fear, David Silva would have full running of the City show, while Milner and Johnson wouldn’t have to deal with Tevez treading on their feet every time he drops back for the ball. Tevez leaving a blessing in disguise for City? You bet!

Now finally, we end up at Blackburn, whom having eyed up all the talent such as Canales, Demba Cisse, Axel Witsel and the rest, have now turned to Keisuke Honda to add real class to their midfield. I said how Witsel would give Blackburn a much needed forward thrust (bit of a dirty pun) and I believe Honda would add the same to Blackburn, just in a much ‘slicker’ way.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekw5SOB-OMQ

That’s all from me today, see you in the comments!

Posted on by Craig in England, Europe, Premiership, Russia Leave a comment

Axel Witsel To Blackburn Rovers? / Man City Duo Head For Russia

Morning! I hope you all enjoyed Rob’s guest post yesterday, he’ll be back next Friday for more witty insights into football around the globe.

This morning, we’re going to start in Belgium, or to be more precise, Liege, to cover one of Belgium’s many rising stars, Axel Witsel. Aged 22, Witsel acts as Standard Liege’s hardman, a tag which came after this now infamous tackle…

Yes, a shocking tackle, one which earned Witsel – who was 20 at the time - a lengthy 10-match ban. Prior to this unfortunate event, Witsel had won the ‘Golden Shoe’ award in Belgium, crowning him the best player in the Jupiler League aged only 18, having won the ‘Young Football Player of the Year’ award in tandem. Witsel has made 19 national appearances for Belgium, scoring 5 goals, while turning out for Standard Liege a total of 146 times, scoring 32 goals, with last season’s haul of 10 goals proving to be his best for Liege, which is far from bad when you take into consideration Witsel is a defensive midfielder by trade!

Interest in Witsel has died down in the last year or so, with touted interest from Liverpool, Manchester United, Arsenal and AC Milan all evaporating. Not to say that interest has died altogether, it just seems that Europe’s elite are no longer interested in the Belgian midfielder, which is no disrespect to Blackburn Rovers, who now bare a particular interest in signing Witsel to add personality to a pretty weak midfield.

Witsel would slot straight into a very weak Blackburn midfield, whose best player is Steven N’Zonzi, followed by Morten Gamst Pedersen, who hasn’t really shone since the 2006/07 season, where the Norwegian scored 8 and assisted 12 in both the Premiership and FA Cup, since that season it’s been pretty average for Pedersen, though he did make a good haul of 4 goals and 6 assist last season.

I do feel that Witsel would be played higher up the park should Steve Kean manage to acquire the Belgian’s signature, in the same way that Manchester City employ Yaya Toure higher up the pitch to use his power in the final third as a weapon. Witsel’s sound goal tally would be put to use in Blackburn’s midfielded with N’Zonzi sitting back, allowing Witsel to bomb on, trying to make up for a lack of goals elsewhere on the pitch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nobmN4v9Jpg

Now to Manchester, where Manchester City duo, Jo and Felipe Caicedo prepare to move to Russia, joining CSKA and Lokomotiv Moscow respectively. Jo will be heading back to familiar territory, having once been a goal machine for CSKA, the origin of Manchester City’s desire to buy Jo in the first place. Signed for £18 million, following a terrific spell with CSKA Moscow where he scored 30 goals in 53 games for the Russian giants, Jo found life in England difficult, never settling at Manchester City, being loaned out twice to Everton and briefly to Galatasaray. Jo has scored 1 league goal in 21 appearances for Manchester City in the Premiership, though he fared better at Everton, scoring 5 goals in 27 league appearances for the Toffees.

Felipe Caicedo however, is a player I feel very sorry for. Signed for around £5 million from FC Basel, having impressed Manchester City by scoring 11 goals in 45 appearances for Basel, aged only 18 and was also made one of the youngest ever players to represent Columbia, making an appearance against Italy, aged 16 in an international friendly.

Caicedo originally struggled at first to come to grips with Premiership football, as a lot of players do, making 10 appearances from the bench for Manchester City, not scoring a goal in the 2007/08 campaign, his first season at the club. It was in the 2008/09 season however where Caicedo started to show his real quality, scoring 5 league goals in 17 appearances (7 of them as a substitute) and netting another 3 in 5 in the Europa League.

Unfortunately for Caicedo, big investment was about to come, as players like the aforementioned Jo came in for big money, forcing Caicedo out on loan to Sporting Lisbon and Malaga respectively. Caicedo, despite showing good quality for a young player, suddenly found that his face didn’t fit at Eastlands

Loaned out again for the 2009/10 season to Levante, Caicedo showed Manchester City fans just what they were missing, as the Columbian scored 13 goals in 27 appearances, assisting another 2.

Now it seems that Caicedo will get his wish to leave Manchester City permanently following interest from Lokomotiv Moscow. A part of me wants him to move to Germany to a club like Mainz o5 or Nurnberg, but with this move to Russia very much on the cards, we can only wish big Felipe the best of luck!

That’s all from me today, see you in the comments as usual!

Posted on by Craig in England, Europe, Premiership, Russia Leave a comment

Cult Hero XI

As I said in my guest article last month which resulted in a rant about FIFA, I originally planned to do a Cult Heroes article. Now, as FIFA is all nice and lovely, with all corruption a thing of the past and the fascist dictatorship of Sepp Blatter consigned to history*, here it is!

Everyone has their favourite footballer, with Lionel Messi being a particularly popular and therefore unoriginal choice at the moment. The main problem with Messi is that he’s actually quite good, and liking a player because they’re good is just plain boring. The best choices are the ones with a bit of flair, a bit of charisma! (Who aren’t Cristiano Ronaldo)

Here is are my  XI players that form a team which are world class when it comes to womanising, fishing with serial killers, mental hair and just pure comedy.  Or, as they shall forever be remembered, legends.

Some of them are quite good, some not so, but any one of them would make a far better pundit for Sky than Gary ‘My dad’s more of a legend than me because I’ve got a pathetic attempt at a moustache, even at the age of 36, whereas he’s got the gangsta name of Neville Neville’ Neville.

 

*As much as we would like it to be, his may not be true.

In a kind of bodged together 4-4-2 formation to make them all fit in:

 

Goalkeeper

Rene Higuita

People talk about Gordon Banks’ save from Pele as the greatest ever, but those people are just wrong. How anyone can look past Rene Higuita’s scorpion kick against England at Wembley is beyond me. Yes, ok it was only a friendly, and from a Jamie Redknapp shot, but other than that it’s just perfect in every way. Another fun Higuita fact, he has scored more international goals than Emile Heskey, who doesn’t make this  team, but may have a stint in the ‘Donkey XI’ if I ever get round to it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCxe4r6SjH0

 

Defence

Stuart Pearce

The Psycho himself. A Nottingham Forest and England legend, and captain for both, that earned his nickname for his unforgiving style of play, and going a bit mental on the pitch. There needs to be more footballers like him! As a player of course, as managing is proving a slightly more challenging. And no, don’t blame Jack and Andy for the under 21’s!

Terry Butcher

He’s the man we want all our footballers to be like ain’t he? Not these poncey foreigners that don’t like it up ‘em, dive like a Daley and hate nothing more than a cold, rainy away fixture in Stoke. Nah, we want them to get there head smashed in, put on a bandage and play on in their blood soaked shirt! There’s a bit o’ old English grit and passion I tell ya! Forever a hero.

Tony Adams

Mr Arsenal, the player who defined a club. That was back when they actually used to win stuff of course. But the crowning moment has to be his goal against Everton in the game that won the league title in 1998.

“Adams put through by Bould, would you believe it!”

Sends shudders down my spine. Anyway enough of that, he was a raging alcoholic that once shat himself in a bar. That’s why he makes this list.

David Luiz

Is he a footballer? Well yeah, and he’s quite good at it I guess, but really? Are you sure he’s not Sideshow Bob? Not even in the lookalike contest at Butlins? Rumour has it he spends his weekends dressed as said Simpsons character and works as a male stripper at clown themed Hen-do’s. Tis true I tell you.*

*Again, may not be true.

 

Midfield

George Best

The original, and always the best, playboy footballer. And also the provider of one of my favourite ever quotes:

“I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted”

Bravo to you sir.

Certainly one of the greatest players to every grace the game, but it’s the off the pitch antics which really give him that cult status. He just seemed to do everything in a far classier way than modern day footballers do now. Messrs Terry and Cole I’m looking at you here.

Paul Gascoigne

Again, one of the most gifted players of his generation. However, also an absolute lunatic. Yes he beat his wife and that was quite bad, but we can look past that can’t we? I mean any man that goes up to a police stand-off with a serial killer, absolutely off his face, armed with beer, chicken and a fishing rod deserves our respect right? And he did release a single, ‘Fog on the Tyne’? And he scored that goal against Scotland at Wembley? Yeah we can forgive him a bit of domestic violence. He also cried once, putting him in that ‘shows a bit of English passion’ bracket with Mr Terence Butcher up there. We do love passion don’t we?

Jimmy Bullard

He’s one of the ‘He ain’t that good, but he’s funny, so we like him’ footballers. Always a down to Earth lad, his commercial for ‘Wash & Go’ has to go down as one of the greatest adverts (and worst) ever. Also the goal celebration parodying Phil Brown’s half time rant on the pitch has to go down as one of the greatest celebrations. Thank you for bringing a bit of humour and personality to modern day footballers. Note to RioFerdy5 here, I don’t consider #stayonyourfeet humour. #oooff  #justsayin. Twitterers will understand.

Vinnie Jones

Here we have a man, part of Wimbledon’s famed ‘Crazy Gang’, that’s capitalised on his hard man image by moving into Hollywood, and snapping up every role that requires an ‘ard English gangster that doesn’t talk much. (I know he played for Wales, but let’s be honest, he’s English. He was born in Watford, to English parents.) He also once managed to get himself booked inside 5 seconds, very impressive if I may say so myself.

Thank you Vinnie, It’s been emotional.

 

Attack

Eric Cantona

I put him in this team for one reason, and one reason alone. THAT Kung-Fu kick against that Crystal Palace fan. I could honestly watch that all day long, as well as this man here of course. A kung-fu kick so glorious, it was well worth the 8 month suspension and £30,000 fine. He followed this up in a press conference by using the slightly bizarre expression:

“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much.”

I don’t know what that means Eric, but I completely agree.

Roger Milla

Roger Milla found fame at the ripe old age of 38 with his showing for Cameroon at the 1990 World Cup in Italy.  Here he became known not only for his four goals, including one gifted to him by his very own cult hero team mate, Rene Higuita (Got a good team-spirit going on here), but also for his elaborate celebrations. He became known for his trademark dance when he scored a goal, and from there on in set the blueprint for the celebration of every goal scored by an African ever since. He was also named by Pele himself as one of the 125 greatest footballers of all time, which is nice.

Higuita

Luiz Butcher Adams Pearce

Best Gascoigne Bullard Jones

Cantona Milla

Posted on by Rob in Africa, Asia, Championship, England, Europe, France, Germany, Italy, League One, League Two, Premiership, Russia, South America, Spain, USA, World 1 Comment